ugly is the new pretty

so you wanted an update or something...

2005-08-19T08:28:46Z

recent activities include:
-being overwhelmed by feelings of depression + inadequacy
-experiencing incredible amounts of physical pain and not having enough painkillers to remedy this
-isolating myself from the outside world
-completely lacking motivation
-continuing to feel utterly alone

people tell me I would've been snatched up as a girlfriend a long time ago if I didn't have a child.

well, such is life; there's little more I can do besides accept this fate, but I can still be upset about it, right?

..then again, considering the supposed reason for my singlehood, I feel extreme guilt over my obsession with my loneliness. I worry that it could be interpreted as regret over having my son - but that's just not the case.

still, I need to stop being so fucking selfish. I have a child. my thoughts should be devoted to him; my needs don't matter as long as the basic ones are being met.

I mean, it's really not that hard to pretend I don't even exist anymore. have you seen me out lately? no, I don't have anything resembling a social life anymore. have you spoken to me lately? no, I haven't felt like answering my phone at all. have we at least corresponded in writing (or through a computer screen)? no, don't do that anymore, either (unless you count this). I don't even feel like making art anymore; my purses can rot away in areka's store. I hate them and never want to see them again, and I certainly don't want to waste time creating additional ones.

it's not like I've removed myself completely from society.. I still go to work like a well-behaved citizen. I still show my face in public to pick up groceries or rent movies for elijah or borrow books from the library. I still give a wave and a curtsy when faced with someone I know. I still flash a smile at all the right moments - but it's all simple theatrics. I've become a wooden puppet - hard exterior, empty shell, actions failing to reflect true emotions... lacking feeling; going through the motions; acting the part.

I'm barely here. this isn't me anymore.

aaaaand, holy shit, this livejournal has become quite cliche-sounding. this is probably another one of those entries that will be deleted in the near future.

really, I just want him to read this - to see where my head is at and to know that he had a hand in putting it there. but would he ever come upon this? probably not. I'm sure he's much too busy or unconcerned (most likely the latter). and even if he did read it, would he realize that he is the one to which I'm referring? no; he'd be amazed that I'm still so affected by events that he surely moved past ages ago. it's quite evident how inconsequential I am to him.

and I've been plagued by dreams about him (the one immediately before him) every.single.night. I was obviously inconsequential to him as well. I'm not even going to get into that one.

uggh

just.
shut.
UP.

IHATEMYSELFANDWANTTODIE

2005-06-08T00:40:45Z

here's a survey for j00s.

which is better for sally:

short hair

or

long hair

ehh? ehhhhhh???

your opinion won't really sway me, but I'm just curious as to what you kids think. so VOTE, baby, vote.

p.s. - I haven't seen anyone in a while. go to blood brothers on thursday and mad planet on friday for some drankin' and dancin' and ME in your presence.

$$$$$$

2005-03-18T11:25:37Z

omg I'm updating.

d'aww.

so eric is trying to convince me to get elijah into child modeling. I don't know about all that bidness..

...but I just wanted to let you all know that we're STILL the awesomest.

dotbot3000 @ 2004-11-23T19:13:00

2004-11-24T01:45:14Z

here are some of the things I've created recently and not-so-recently. some of you may have already seen these...

ink drawings:

--a birthday gift for the ex two years ago.

--nathan's christmas gift last year.

--made for a certain someone; I showed it to him but I think he forgot about it and never took it home. it's oddly shaped because it was shot at an angle...

--not quite in the same category as the others.. it's a unicorns-inspired picture that I seriously threw together in minutes. my little brother made the 'paper scissors rock' stencil that I used...

clothing:

--"I want to know all the lurid details"

--"el corazon" ..yeah, I stitched that shit.

--a simple little shirt that I made from one of my mom's totally-80's turtlenecks.

--yes, more unicorns lyrics. the white spray paint is a bit too abundant on this one; I didn't mean to use that much.

--I think this was one of the first pieces of clothing I made [[three years ago]].

purses:

--my brother wants some credit for this because he found the image of this girl and then fixed it up in photoshop.. and I made it into a stencil and put it on this awesome purse.

--this one's incredibly simple as well, but I think it turned out nicely. I made it so I'd have a purse to match my blue tights, haaaaa.

--I just finished this a couple days ago; now I just need to find something to wear with it.

there's a whole lot more, but that's all I'll post for now...

dotbot3000 @ 2004-11-07T01:27:00

2004-11-07T07:36:47Z

yesterday. mom + son 'photoshoot.'

[[he took that photo; I obviously wasn't ready. harrr.]]

basically, we're the awesomest.

---------------------

not yesterday - a month ago, but too adorable to disregard.