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Friday, August 19th, 2005
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3:25 am - so you wanted an update or something...
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recent activities include:
-being overwhelmed by feelings of depression + inadequacy
-experiencing incredible amounts of physical pain and not having enough painkillers to remedy this
-isolating myself from the outside world
-completely lacking motivation
-continuing to feel utterly alone
people tell me I would've been snatched up as a girlfriend a long time ago if I didn't have a child.
well, such is life; there's little more I can do besides accept this fate, but I can still be upset about it, right?
..then again, considering the supposed reason for my singlehood, I feel extreme guilt over my obsession with my loneliness. I worry that it could be interpreted as regret over having my son - but that's just not the case.
still, I need to stop being so fucking selfish. I have a child. my thoughts should be devoted to him; my needs don't matter as long as the basic ones are being met.
I mean, it's really not that hard to pretend I don't even exist anymore. have you seen me out lately? no, I don't have anything resembling a social life anymore. have you spoken to me lately? no, I haven't felt like answering my phone at all. have we at least corresponded in writing (or through a computer screen)? no, don't do that anymore, either (unless you count this). I don't even feel like making art anymore; my purses can rot away in areka's store. I hate them and never want to see them again, and I certainly don't want to waste time creating additional ones.
it's not like I've removed myself completely from society.. I still go to work like a well-behaved citizen. I still show my face in public to pick up groceries or rent movies for elijah or borrow books from the library. I still give a wave and a curtsy when faced with someone I know. I still flash a smile at all the right moments - but it's all simple theatrics. I've become a wooden puppet - hard exterior, empty shell, actions failing to reflect true emotions... lacking feeling; going through the motions; acting the part.
I'm barely here. this isn't me anymore.
aaaaand, holy shit, this livejournal has become quite cliche-sounding. this is probably another one of those entries that will be deleted in the near future.
really, I just want him to read this - to see where my head is at and to know that he had a hand in putting it there. but would he ever come upon this? probably not. I'm sure he's much too busy or unconcerned (most likely the latter). and even if he did read it, would he realize that he is the one to which I'm referring? no; he'd be amazed that I'm still so affected by events that he surely moved past ages ago. it's quite evident how inconsequential I am to him.
and I've been plagued by dreams about him (the one immediately before him) every.single.night. I was obviously inconsequential to him as well. I'm not even going to get into that one.
uggh
just.
shut.
UP.
current mood: inawholemotherfuckinglotofpain
current music: wolf parade, duh.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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7:35 pm - IHATEMYSELFANDWANTTODIE
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here's a survey for j00s.
which is better for sally:
short hair
or
long hair
ehh? ehhhhhh???
your opinion won't really sway me, but I'm just curious as to what you kids think. so VOTE, baby, vote.
p.s. - I haven't seen anyone in a while. go to blood brothers on thursday and mad planet on friday for some drankin' and dancin' and ME in your presence.
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 18th, 2005
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4:56 am - $$$$$$
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| Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
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7:13 pm
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here are some of the things I've created recently and not-so-recently. some of you may have already seen these...
( art is hard )
current music: ARCADE FIRE!! (p.s. - come to this show with me)
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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1:27 am
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yesterday. mom + son 'photoshoot.'
[[he took that photo; I obviously wasn't ready. harrr.]]
basically, we're the awesomest.
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not yesterday - a month ago, but too adorable to disregard.
current music: the faint.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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